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How to cope with a long-distance university relationship
Posh and Becks did it. Even Lindsay Lohan and one of McFly did it. No, not using your relationship to increase your press and gain lucrative record sales/sponsorship deals - we’re talking about long-distance relationships.
For university students, just as for the rich and famous, time spent apart is common. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend from home or that you’ve met on a gap year, taking the decision about where to go to university or college is tough. You can go somewhere that means you can stay together, you can go separately and split up, or you can each go to your first choice and try to stay together.
What you choose is obviously up to you, but it comes down to how important you feel your university city and course are to you, and how you view your relationship; it’s important to talk honestly with your partner about how things will work.
To throw an additional spanner in the works, Paula Hall. a Relate psychotherapist, says things are likely to change even after you have talked. “There’s a lot of, ‘Oh, that will never happen’ at this stage,” she explains. “And then it does.” Often, then, a good option for both parties is to pursue their own ambitions at separate universities but try to stay together.
Like many students, Gemma Cauley, 22, initially felt insecure about the fact that she and her boyfriend were spending a lot of time apart. “Dom had already been to university and encouraged me to stay in Swansea for the first month to make sure I wasn’t missing out on anything. At the time I felt a bit rejected that he didn’t want me to visit him in Nottingham.”
Communication is one of the hardest things for couples living apart. “At first, my girlfriend and I fell out over missed calls and stuff,” says Vince Davis, 20, whose girlfriend lives in Canada. “We can’t visit much, and e-mail feels impersonal. Now we arrange times to Skype, and text each other every night. Recently Facebook has helped because I can see what she’s been up to.”
In Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide, Dr Gregory Gouldner, an academic who has studied long-distance relationships, suggests making phone dates. “Knowing in advance when you’ll be talking to or seeing a partner helps remove some of the uncertainty and regain some control.” Plus, unlike a real date, you won’t have to worry about what to wear.
It’s important to integrate your boyfriend or girlfriend into your new life, says Paula Hall. “When you go to university you’re in a new environment and you’re evolving as a person, so the relationship will have to change too,” she comments. “The best way to tackle it is to include the other person as much as possible, introducing them to your friends. It’s tempting to focus exclusively on each other during visits, but you can’t keep the relationship separate.”
If things do go wrong, it’s important to remember that this is because the relationship hasn’t worked out - there’s nothing wrong with you. It will be painful, but “being apart from someone makes it easier to get over them because there’s no reminders of how it was,” says Jerome.
Everyone agrees that long-distance relationships are difficult. Yet there are also advantages. By not breaking up, you’re giving things a shot - you don’t have to turn up at university or college feeling like you’ve just lost a limb, crying on strangers and asking the Student Union barmen “Why?".
You also have much more time to devote to student life - learning, enjoying yourself and finding out more about who you are - all with the backing of the person you love. “During my first year I was not very happy and Dom was a great support,” recalls Gemma Cauley. “Without him, who knows if I would have stuck it out?”
Then, points out Dr Gouldner, there are the reunions: “the excitement of rediscovering your significant other after a long time apart.” There’s nothing quite like standing on that train platform looking at all the faces getting off, and spotting the one you’re looking for.
Source : independent.co.uk